Talkative Thursday – Parenting with Grace

As parents, we all have certain expectations of our children, whether they are expressed or unspoken. And some of these expectations may be a product of how we’ve been raised and some may even be our own agenda of our unfinished aspirations or dreams.

As a mum to a 5-year-old, I don’t have any high and lofty expectation of Sophie. My greatest desire is for her is to a young lady of character, one who is confident, self assured with a teachable spirit and a good attitude in life.

But lately, she’s been morphing into a spoilt brat which a capital B which I’m so bewildered because I do not tolerate such behaviours at all. Just how bratty? She can kneel on the pavement demanding for something, use her tears and cry for what she wants, raise her voice and even once shouted at me in public.

For that last one, she got a mean caning from me when we got home where I totally lost my cool and any patience with the little lady. I think I was almost screaming into her ears that we don’t shout in public, especially not at her parents and went on to say that only ill-mannered kids with no mummies will behave so badly. Little did I know that right there I was contradicting myself with my very own behavior with all the shouting as I meted out my discipline. Talk about setting a good example. I felt so crushed and questioned if I’ve not been doing my role well as her mother, her guide.

And as I reflected it about while picking up the book, Shepherding a Child’s again, I felt so guilty stricken as I realised that it’s my own insecurities of how others view me as a mum that I reacted. Society expects us to raise well-behaved children who posses social grace and and behave appropriately. But like adults, kids too have their bad days and they don’t always behave in a way that pleases everyone.

I have known all along that Sophie can be very head strong and stubborn and the last thing to do is to do hard on her. So today, I changed my tactic when she started crying in the MRT because I told her I can’t accompany her on her class excursion with her. My usual reaction is to usually stop her crying by hook or by crook that means threats may even come up. But today, I took a deep breathe, stooped down and look her in the eye and explained that I know she’s disappointed but there’ll be other opportunities for her to take her out. She wouldn’t have it any other way and continued to cry with big fat tears rolling down her face and by then the evening crowd on the train were all staring at the commotion.

But I know that if I want to calm her down, I have to first be calm myself . So I stood by my decision and explained why I couldn’t go while handing her tissue after tissue to dry her eyes. It always helps to crack a joke and it lighten the mood and kept her mind off the topic.

That night, I told her that even though she didn’t behave well, I didn’t scold her because I know she was very tired (she didn’t take her afternoon nap again) and she was disappointed. But I also expect her to be understanding and promised her other opportunities to go out.  I think she appreciated that I didn’t scold her like I normally would.

But more importantly, I reminded that we all need grace in our lives.

Grace, that undeserved, unmerited favour that says, it’s okay, I I know this is not really who you are and I still love you.

Grace to accept that even as mums, sometimes we don’t have it all altogether. Grace to say, it’s okay, let’s not beat ourselves up, pick ourselves and move on. Grace towards our kids too because it’s still a learning process for them and mistakes are inevitable. This grace can only come when we know that we ourselves have been given much grace from our heavenly father and we can extended it to others. And like our kids, we parents are as much a work-in-progress like them.

The days are long but the years are short

Other mums have been sharing this quote  and it does help mums like me with the perspective that this trying period will soon be over before you know it along with the sweet moments of this growing journey. Let’s endeavour to make the long days, the best grace bound days.


 

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Comments: 8

  1. San August 28, 2014 at 11:35 am Reply

    Public meltdowns, to me, are the most tiring cos you dont have to just deal with the kids – sometimes the VERY public place the kids choose to roll on the floor and scream can be the most crowded and “inconvenient”. But kudos to you for taking that deep breath! It’s my mantra too. Breathe… breathe… breathe… I love this post, and it is something we all truly need, grace for us to be the kind of parents our kids need us to be 🙂

    • Susan August 29, 2014 at 12:28 pm Reply

      The public can sometimes be very unsympathetic, that’s why I tend to be more empathic when I see helpless parents with kids acting up outside.

  2. Zee August 28, 2014 at 4:27 pm Reply

    Love this post Susan! It’s a very timely reminder. I guess for both of us, it can be tough because by evening, both the kids and ourselves are tired from the long day in school and at work. I do agree though, that when I calm down and try to explain things to her, it works better than when I scold/threaten her. Oh well, we can only confine to try our best!

    • Susan August 29, 2014 at 12:32 pm Reply

      Yes, they have a long day in the cc and it doesn’t help that Sophie does not take her afternoon naps, so by evenings, she’s usually tired and hungry. It’s really no wonder that she acts up, though I know it’s no excuse. I try to remember that even I have my down and out days so that helps me be more patient and understanding towards her. Jia you to you too. This period of time is probably toughest but it will pass. And I hope it be sooner than you expect 🙂

  3. lyn lee August 28, 2014 at 5:43 pm Reply

    Yes, many times I am concerned with what kind of parent I look like to outsiders, or even my friends and family. But ultimately, what Dotz said once comes to mind, may we discipline and parent as if we do not care about what others think, and how we would discipline if no one was around. And to do so with empathy. Let’s press on together!

    • Susan August 29, 2014 at 12:33 pm Reply

      Yes, love her reminder and it’s so timely… Parentinh is not a bed of roses but it is worth it!

  4. June September 1, 2014 at 1:19 am Reply

    I love the book Shepherding a Child’s Heart! Thank you for sharing your thoughts about grace and parenting. I too am reminded that we need more grace and forgiveness to allow our little ones to be freely themselves (yes the good and the bad parts of it) for just this much longer. It can be trying and frustrating, but as long as we keep sowing in love, I’m sure we will see the fruit someday! Jiayou Susan, you’ve done well with Sophie, and I’m sure she’ll respond to your love and kindness too!

  5. Sana waqas February 6, 2015 at 1:16 pm Reply

    Very nice post… I’m loving just reading your blog posts… Having a six year old daughter myself, I can totally relate to you.. I hope I would get to read more good of you 🙂

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