Some time last year, there was an article that was circulating on Facebook among my friends about how a mum made a decision to stop saying hurry up to her kids. While many parents were agreeing with her that we should slow down our hurried pace and allow our kids to go at their own pace, I for one couldn’t bring myself to say that I’m going to be a zen out mum anytime soon.
For us, every weekday, is a crazy whirlwind from Monday to Fridays. In the mornings, we have to hurry Sophie out of bed with commands of go pee, brush your teeth, wash up, change your uniform, hurry, hurry, hurry. Even before we step out of the house, I’m already breathless by all the hurrying that goes around the house. That’s why we implemented a game of see who’s first to get her to quicken her pace to get ready for school. Some days, it works like a charm, but you know it is with kids, someday they get bored with these challenges.
My little competitive girl
Anyway, we have this challenge almost everyday and unknowingly, we turned our little speedy gonzales into a fierce competitor where she hates being second to others. Though we always remind her that being second is no loser, she’ll still use the word loosely and sneer at anyone who is second to her.
At first, we thought that our little game worked in our favour since it got her motivated to get her act together in the morning. But we noticed that her competitive streak ebbed into other areas as well. So much so, that one day, her Chinese teacher in her enrichment class brought it up and cautioned us that it could be detrimental to her emotionally if she doesn’t learn that she can’t always be first. That in her pursuit to be first, she may end up hurting other’s feelings (if she calls them names like losers) and doesn’t learn how to deal with feelings of disappointment and losses.
That was quite a blow to me because we have intentionally nurtured this competitive streak in her. That day, I had a pep talk with Sophie before bedtime (it’s my favourite time of the day because that’s when it’s just our time).
Me: Sophie, do you know it’s not nice to call people names like losers.
Sophie: I know. Teachers say if you don’t try, then you are the loser. Most important is to try (your) best.
Me: Yes, that’s why even when you are not the first, you don’t have to be angry at yourself or your friends because you tried your best ok?
Sophie: Yes, I know mummy. But I like to the number one.
I know that it’s something that she’s still learning and it’s also something that we’re more mindful of these days when we challenge her to be the fastest but we always want her to remember that being your best doesn’t have to be a stressful affair.
Sometimes parenting is like that, we have our hits and more share of our misses. But we learn and hope that our kids learn these lessons along with us as we go through this journey together.
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Great post! I can be very competitive too and this is likely to be passed on to my kids, though thankfully it hasn’t yet. Haha. Good to know 🙂
You know when we first thought of this little competition, it didn’t occur to me the ramifications it may cause on her emotionally. Now that we are aware, we moderate it and teach her that what matters is that she gives her best.
This is a really interesting point that you’ve raised, Susan. I never thought about it, and it’s definitely something that I will think about, when teaching Noah. Thanks for such an honest sharing. I think it’s also wonderful that her Chinese enrichment class teacher noticed it, and shared her observations with you, as it shows that she genuinely cares for Sophie.
Yes I was surprised that it came from her Chinese teacher at the enrichment class as it was just her first lesson. Sophie must have been quite adamant about being first.
I think if we look at it in a positive light, Sophie strives for excellence which is a good thing. I guess it is now reinforcements to let her understand that it is ok not to always be the first. I think Sophie will understand. I cannot imagine if Jonas becomes competitive. As is, he must always have his way. So, let’s wait out and see what happens when he understands the concept of positions. ;p Thanks for SHaring.
Thanks for sharing. It is something to be mindful about.
I guess it’s all about balance. Sometimes the mantra “just try your best” is also used to cushion against a potential defeat.
Layla has that side of her too (I think almost everyone does?). These days the questions I try to ask her when she’s upset, say, about not scoring top marks for something are, What are you willing to do to be first? Sometimes she realises that she doesn’t want to spend her afternoons on assessment books anyway. Or I’ll ask her, what’s so important about being first in this? Again in a school context, I’ve tried to explain to her that scoring top marks in spelling all the time means little because as grown-ups we use spell check. 😛
What an important lesson. I also see the battle to be no.1 in our own home, between Vera and Javier. Vera likes to win and be the first in everything. Javier knows he usually ends up second so he gets grouchy and sometimes refrains from trying. So we encourage them to take turns at doing something, and I’ve recently started to remind them that people and relationships matter more than performance/results. Not sure how much is sinking in yet though! (PS. Love the pic of her in the tunnel!)
A very good lesson for all of us as a Mother. It is important to teach them that not all the time there going to become a winner. You all have fun and thanks a lot for sharing!